Last week, I asked people on my Instagram, you people, what you wanted to see me review next. Did you want to see me review The Beast, a complicated and heady movie that immediately became my favourite of the year? Or did you want me to review the fourth Bad Boys movie? By now, the answer is probably obvious, but I have the last laugh here, because I think you all expected this to be a rant. You expected me to get so worked up at this silly action movie and start swearing and doing all that nonsense. My friends, the joke is on you, as I have found myself with an inexplicable fondness for the new Bad Boys films.

Let me explain. I think the first two Bad Boys films are pretty repulsive, films that have a great deal of unearned swagger and show all the worst instincts of Michael Bay. Bay has done great work away from these films (for whatever reason, I am infatuated with The Rock and Ambulance), but everything I don’t like about him is on very full display. That’s what made the third film, Bad Boys for Life a surprise for me. Directors Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah took the reigns and injected a surprising amount of life into the franchise, while stripping away the worst urges that tainted the franchise before. Adding to the fondness is the fact that I saw this film in Florida with my housemate Maysam, a genuine Florida man, minus all the negative connotations of the label. I couldn’t say for sure whether the swaying factor was that these new directors knew what they were doing or that I was getting into that Florida spirit, but I found myself enjoying it, as did Maysam who described it as “almost as good as Uncut Gems.” The point being, you thought I had no love for these films, when in actual fact, I have a little bit. Looks like you just got out played by the player.

Anyway. That was four years ago and it would be an understatement to say that things are different now than they were in January 2020. I’m no longer in Florida, Arbi and Fallah had the Batgirl movie ripped from their hands in the cruellest way imaginable and Will Smith… Well, he did a thing that if nothing else, is responsible for the funniest thing Judd Apatow has ever written. We’ve all had a few setbacks. But when you find yourself in bad times, you know which specific type of boy to call… Bad.

I had to start a new paragraph because I had no idea how to recover from that joke and there was no smooth and easy way to segue into telling you the plot of Bad Boys: Ride or Die. Instead, I’m just placing it down in front of you, blatant as can be. The plot is, not what you’re here for. Mike and Marcus both find themselves thinking about their place in the world, whether from brushes with death or the arrival of some holy matrimony. However, it all goes awry when some terrible plot is revealed to frame their former captain and send the two men on the run. As I said, plot isn’t crucial, though some credit is due. This film leans a lot on plot points from the previous film and when those are coming, it does remind the audience of crucial details. Some might call that lazy writing, I call that helpful, because I forgot who most of these people are. Ultimately, the film understands that you’re not here for narrative depth and that all double crosses can be predicted from the second an actor walks on-screen, so it does just enough to hang everything else off.

To which we may ask: what is hanging off that flimsy plot thread? The main response is, charisma from our two leads, the thing that brings many people into these films yet conversely makes a very good attempt at pushing me away. I should be transparent: I don’t like Will Smith or Martin Lawrence. It’s nothing personal against the two of them and it has always been this way, I just don’t enjoy either of their star personas and have never seen a film that proved me wrong hard enough to not be a fluke. That feeling remains in this, the fourth Bad Boys film. Smith and Lawrence do nothing you haven’t seen from them before, but by design. Fans want this. Fans like this. I see Martin Lawrence gurning his way through every scene and roll my eyes, I see Will Smith posing all tough like with a gun in each hand and my heartbeat drops a BPM or two. This is fine. Lots of laughs and indeed lmaos were had in my screening and good for them. This is just not a dynamic I’m invested in, whether they’re wittily trading barbs or wistfully staring at that sweet Miami skyline.

In this void, one would hope a strong supporting cast would jump in to save the day for me, but alas Smith and Lawrence try their best to strong arm them out the way as well. Rhea Seehorn is cruelly wasted in a gruff turn, Tiffany Haddish turns up to do her shouty thing for a scene and our old friend DJ Khaled returns to atone for his crimes. Two actors do get to shine though. Dennis McDonald returns as Reggie, the quiet boyfriend of Lawrence’s daughter, and he gets a genuine stand out scene that is a culmination of all the bullying the franchise has handed him. Clear runaway though is Joe Pantoliano, who does the best acting in the film despite his character dying in the last entry. He keeps popping up, whether in old videos or hallucinations, and serves as a reminder of how much we all love Joe Pantoliano. Wasn’t he great in The Matrix? Didn’t you enjoy trying to work him out in Memento? Isn’t it fun to point at the screen whenever he appears and go “hey look it’s Joe Pantolinao?” The answer to all of those is yes. He’s a veteran character actor who never seems to get enough flowers and if he appears in every Bad Boys film as a ghost for the rest of his life, I’ll be happy.

I was saying earlier that this new era of Bad Boys is one that I find less repellent than the old one and while the lack of leering is welcome, we still find energy and personality through the cinematography. Again, this isn’t me dunking on Bay, you don’t make a film like Ambulance while resting on your laurels, but Adil and Bilall have a real dynamism to the way they throw their camera around that Bay’s BB films just didn’t have. Think of the smoothness of the fight scenes in a film like John Wick: Chapter Four. Think about how precise the camerawork and blocking is in those, how we’re neatly led to the action at all moments. Now think about what it would look like if the camera operators had downed two cans of Red Bull and started lobbing the camera between each other. Congratulations, you’re now picturing Bad Boys: Ride or Die. It’s not quite as slick or masterful as any of my beloved Wick flicks, but the energy is certainly infectious and while messy, I can’t say I wasn’t entertained. I had to reach for my pocket ibuprofen once or twice, sure, but I was giggling regardless.

The big issue though, and the thing that stops me enjoying these new films any more than I do, is that there are only ever three things happening on screen. Either there is action, there are quips or there is wistful staring at that sweet Miami skyline. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, there is more than one of these things happening, but never all three. I had this realisation about half an hour into the film (which to be fair, is close to seven hours into the franchise) and it coloured everything I saw after. Oh, this is an action scene. Oh great, now they’re quipping. Oh cool, some quips and some shooting. Oh well, now time to look at that sweet Miami skyline. You become entirely detached from the film and just start losing yourself in the concept of a Bad Boys film. Is this a universal complaint? No, almost certainly not. However it was something that just ate and ate at me, through decent action scene and decent quip scene and decent staring at that sweet Miami skyline scene. By the end, cinema itself felt deconstructed. Maybe this is the Bad Boys film that the late Jean-Luc Godard would have vibed with.

All in all, it’s alright! If you like the Bad Boys films, you won’t be let down. If you haven’t liked any of the last three, you won’t be converted. And if you haven’t seen any Bad Boys films, why on Earth are you starting with this one? It has enough energy to whittle away an evening, but not enough to lodge firmly in your brain. That said, if there is a fifth one, trust and believe that I will be there again, opening weekend, ready to savour that sweet Miami skyline.